A Halloween Tale

It was a dark and stormy night,
on that black and rainy eve.
A night unlike any other,
its true so try and believe.

There was a house in the middle of town,
In a small place by the name Flowermound.
That was had in it two ladies,
-named Porche and Mercedes,
-and 2 other matey's,
-a priest and free saftey
and they all sat around a freshly lit fire worried about the weather outside.

They heard sounds all around the house,
mostly from a room upstairs.
The ladies began to freak out!
their fear was under prepared

For up in the room, behind the closed door
was an old lady, who once was a whore.
She was infected and nasty,
a scarleted lassie,
made heads spin like Jazzy,
did not practice faire-laissez
and the people in the room below her, would all soon know this all to well.

They heard a lock slip and a creak!
They all turned their heads to the door
from inside the dark and cold room,
came out a shout from the whore.
She called the free saftey,
beckoned "come rape me"
he looked at Mercedes
then left the room hasty
and made his way up the stairs to the room, and closed the behind him.

They heard screams and moans and noises.
Then a gigantic loud "thud"!
The door then opened once again
Whore called for other stud.

The defensive back, was not good enough
I need the priest to come and show me rough
He rose for his meeting
that would turn to a beating
even though his faith he was cheating
he could no longer stay seating
for the power of suggestion from the voice of this hussy was too strong to turn down.

Porshe looked at her friend Mercedes,
she took a deep breath and said
"Why in the world do they go there,
upstairs to that ladies bed?"

Mercedes leaned in, touched her friend on the arm
Her voice was soothing and oozing with charm.
"This is my life girl,
welcome to my world.
whenever men who are fertile,
come over they hurdle,
up the stairs to fuck her. This is what happens when your mom is a whore.

Top 7 Horror Movies

Tis the season mothafuckas!

I love love love, this time of year. You see, I am a fan of scary movies as it is... yet, a lot of people aren't... most of those people= girls I am trying to do my thang with. For some reason, females feel like they need a holiday to celebrate with being scared, and a week from today is that very one.

But, our good friends at Wal-Mart, Target, Best Buy, and Hollywood Video all ensure that this whole month be the month of screams, especially the last week of it! So, if you cruise into any of the previously mentioned establishments right now, you would see a special on all things horror--including dvds.

Think about this for a second...

call some boo, buy some booze, watch a movie that jumps out and go's "Boo!", and maybe just maybe, you will get a boo in the lap or boo in the bed... Scuurrrryyyy sheets son!

We will call this, my Boo's, Booze's and Boos! philosophy

but, we need some solid film, to help deliver the first part of that trilogy to ya... so here goes my top 7 movies in the horror genre... enjoy!

1) Scream (1996) Wes Craven (4 stars out of 4)
Egad!!!! How could this be on the top of any list, and you listen to me and consider my views valid? Its simple really. This movie, before Scary Movie took it a step further, was meant to be a complete farse or sendup of the horror genre. It not only tells you whats going to happen in the movie as it goes (clever jargon), it also manages to deliver several solid jumps and a great whodunit mystery, that no one in the world got the first time they saw it.
The movie is shot well. ( It looks fantastic actually) and is severely entertaining. You are captivated from start to finish... and leave it with a smile on your face. this movie single handedly rejuvenated a very tired genre, and in doing so did it better than anyone had done before or after.

2) High Tension (2003) Alexandre Aja (3.0 stars out of 4)
If you have not seen this movie, and you like to be scared... good god. Rent it tonight. Its a french film, so you will have to spend some time with the subtitles on, but even with that... it doesn't really get scarier than this movie. The entire scene where the pro and antagonists are in the house, is about as tense as you can get. I would consider this as part of the whole "shock" horror genre. Its gross and painful to watch at times, but not nearly as much as one of the endless "Saw" sequels or "Hostel"

3) Alien (1979) Ridley Scott (3.5 stars out of 4)
Scott delivers a creepy, slow, masterpiece with his attempt in the genre. This movie is very slow, and I wouldn't even suggest it to you if you were adhd or with people that talk a lot. Its best served up when you are with someone else who can chill and you can as well. If that is possible, this movie will slowly suck you in to where the last part of the movie keeps you riveted. If you think that the chest-burster is the scariest part of this film, I would suggest actually watching it and not just what you remember about your parents not wanting you to see as a child. The special effects are weak now.. no doubt on that... but, this movie is still top drawer.

4) Event Horizon (1997) Paul W.S. Anderson (2.5 stars out of 4)
I think this may be freaky to me, because I remember seeing it when I was 15 or 16. It may actually be that good though. We will find out more this week, when I go back and rewatch this one. This film deals with another dimension, and people hallucinating their worst fears as well as other terrifying images. The best part about this movie, is that its fear is delivered from pacing and atmosphere. Its not the gore, or the jumps or loud elevations in music. this is a definite must if you enjoyed "Alien", and I suggest it to all horror fans who have not seen it.

5) A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984) Wes Craven (2.5 stars out of 4)
This is the best idea, ever, for a horror movie. The premises of this film, is nothing short of pure brilliance. You can't hide from sleep, you can't run from your dreams. This is where the killer in this film hides and hunts you down. As with most horror movies, a soon to be famous actor gets introduced in this (Johnny Depp); and if it wasn't for New Line stripping creative control and licensing away from Craven, this series might actually have been entertaining. Instead, you have 2 great movies, and average one, and 4 hours of shit spanning 7 films. When you watch this, don't expect the wise-cracking mtv freddy krueger donning a pair of way-fares. Its scary, pretty gory, and just over all very impressive, especially for the budget it was filmed on. This film saved new line cinema.

6) Halloween (1978) John Carpenter (3 stars out of 4)
I think this may actually be one of the scariest movies ever made. I don't put it up higher in my list, probably just because I have seen it so many times. Tension is thick throughout most of this movie once it gets rolling, but for being a slasher it starts out really slow. The music is nothing short of cheese dick through most of it; and the acting is awful. It is the epitome of a slasher movie. I remember seeing this for the first time, on Halloween actually. It was a monday night, and my parents were watching MNF in the living room. In the back bedroom though, there was a petrified 9 year old, developing his love for shock-cinema. this movie isn't as bloody as people remember, it just takes a while to get going.

7) Scream 2 (1997) Wes Craven (3 stars out of 4)
Don't shoot me. this makes the list because of it having two of the most tense scenes in horror movie history in it. Actually, Scream 2 is just as good and clever as the first one, until its ending. The scenes to watch though--
a) when Gale Weathers and Dewey are being chased through the school. When Gale finds her way into the production room , just narrowly missing the Ghost Faced Killa again and again... all the way up to the sound proof booth... BRILLIANCE
b) favorite moment in scary movie history actually, is this next one.... when the Ghost Faced killa crashes the police car that Syd and her roomie are in... and they have to crawl over him... wow... even though I know what is going to happen, that scene still creates great tension for me. 2 thumbs up craven..


Alright, pick which one of those sounds the best and get to watching wit some shorty worth hollerin at. Ill be back soon folks... happy frights

Late Night Bar Hookup

When you wake up in the morning, after a long night out pounding Jagerbombs and Diet & Vodka (everyone is being health conscious let us not forget), and you start to feel the effects of your sat & sun morning hangover kick in... where would you rather be

a) home. alone. the sheets your forgot to wash, again, all swaddled around you and a stack of bills sitting on your desk. your fridge is likely very empty, which means that you will have to put on some kind of old rags (i.e. basketball shorts, crush shirt from 4 years ago) to go out and hit up some terrible fast food place so you can come home and watch some football.

b) a random girls house. with her. the sheets she forgot to wash, again, all swaddled around both of you and a stack of empty condom wrappers sitting on her desk across the room. Your sweet threads from last night are kinda all over the place...
shirt-balled up on floor
pants-balled up on floor
boxers- somehow lost in her top sheet
and you have to put these on; even in their once worn, now wrinkled condition which will obviously tip its hand to you, taking the 'walk of shame'... and since she lives in a place far from you, you will pass by a lot of different terrible fast food on the way home that you can make your choice from, so you can then go home and watch some football.

Ok, lets be real.

You picked "b" didn't you?

Its fine, we all know you did. Most everyone would, for that matter. Its not really that it is depressing to be smashed out of your mind, and alone; because honestly, once you try to pass out, success is a sure thing. The problem is though, once your mind gets that buzz, and you get that first smell of the pheromones, it tends to become as important to you as that Ninja Turtle for Christmas when you were 8. Its all you want... so much to the point where you will text every person in your phone with a female name (sorry for all the late night texts Ashley-my guy friend) just so you can have someone, nay ANYONE to make out with.

The question I am sure that everyone wants to know the answer to though is, "how do I get to 'b' and away from 'a'?

Well, a lot of that has to deal with how you look that night, and how well you know or don't know the object of your pursuit...

but

most of it comes from the things you say. Some ways to not go home with her, would come from saying things like these greatest hits...

"Have you tried 'lite' beer before?"
"I would love to put my face in the middle of those"
"My dick is like a slim jim, it can get into anything"
"Do you spit, or swallow?"
"What did you say your name was?"
"You want to get a taquito and watch 'The Crying Game'?"
"...and for some reason it burns when i pee.....(trails off)....so do you wanna go back to my place or yours?"
"My face is leaving in 10 minutes, be on it"


Now, unfortunately, we all have a humorous hook up story or 5... but today, i will close with sharing one of mine.

We had been at a bar, i didn't say any of the above statements, and we went back to her place. We made out for a while, on the couch, then went outside for a quick cig. She asked if i wanted another beer, so you know i was like 'hell yeah'... I was suffering through her conversation, about who knows what, when she got a text message on her phone. She looked at me and goes
"my ex boyfriend just texted... that means he will prolly be here in like an hour or so... you wanna go ahead fuck so you can get outta here before he gets here?"

Oh snap! What did I do? Well, thats a choose your own adventure scenario if I have ever heard it, so I am gonna leave it there, just like that.