Updated?!??!

Eh, why not. I am having an enormous amount of trouble falling asleep this evening, and this is the third time I have seen these olympic events-- so I mean, what else am I gonna do, other than write?

Breakups are really strange things. I had pretty much had set in my mind that I would not have to ever see "Ex Girlfriend" again (save Baylor Homecomings). She moved to Dallas and such, so I mean... I thought I was safe. I have developed a great distaste for her in the past couple of months, and this is mainly due to the fact of me actually realizing what I was like when I was in that relationship.

Anyway, I am at the tavern that I work at on tuesdays and frequent on top of that, and lo and behold who would be there.... I was standing inches from her without even realizing it was her, and looked down and felt grime get all over me. My stomach went into about a half a dozen knots, and my desire to remain sober that evening left me behind like a gold medal and Shawn Johnson.

I, for some reason, thought she would roll out of their quickly, so I just went and hung out at various places with the people that I know that kick it there. Yet, every so often, I would be strolling and see her. For the first time since I have lived in Austin, being at Shakespeares sounded like the worst idea I had ever heard.

This evening I went scrolling through my old gchats and 'wall to walls' on my facebook account. Of course, this does require me stumbling across more x banter. I bypassed everything that "ex girlfriend" and I exchanged, because there is not a part of me at this time that would find any of the sentiments that would bring out, anything less than wretched.

I did find quite interesting my chats with "Boo". It was almost comical to be able to "see" by reading said conversations the complete dismantling of my personality. In analyzing, the biggest problem I had in that relationship, was that it, by nature and circumstance, was always teetering on chaos-- so I became less and less confident in the only thing I really had ever had confidence in, myself.

We started dating, both knowing that she would be moving to Costa Rica for a year. She came back in 6 weeks. We started right back up, planning on moving to Mexico together. Less than a week later, we ended it. Within a week, we had hung out again and slept together and such... started kind of talking again, then went on a little short communication blackout. When those few days ended, she had signed a contract to move to Mexico alone. We had another week, then ended it again. The day she left, we had lunch then she came to see me... we kinda had that moment...

See... she came back. Right then. Looking back on it, she was probably just scared. I thought at that time it was God speaking to me... telling me not to give up. So guess what, I didn't.

I moved to Austin within like two weeks of that. I started a crazy job, didn't try to make new friends, and didn't really try to meet new people, because my mind was in another country. It stayed that way too. She was set to come back that Christmas... I had until then... right?

Check that... somewhere in the middle of October, she decides she wants to come back. Then, she decides to take a job elsewhere in Mexico. Then, she decides that she wants to go back to her old job, and in a little under a month, she is back in the states.

We see each other, and it sucks. Its over... its obvious. Or is it?

We talk periodically from then until January, while she starts dating the boy she was dating before me.. then one day like a flash, she ends it with him. About two weeks later, we hang out, make out, hook up, and are back on.

I go to Dallas, She comes to Austin... I am terrified this time though. I just have zero faith in her or this. I spend the next month dating her and walking on broken glass. Its going to end at any moment, being my internal mantra.

It ends, again, quickly. She is dating a new boy before the sheets have even been washed. Ain't that a bitch.

So, finally back to the point... reading that progression was absolutely fascinating. I am apathetic enough towards her now, that it really kinda makes me upset that I wasted such an amount of time waiting to start my life here. Once I finally decided to do that in mid spring, its like things have really taken off and gotten fun. I kinda look at the passing of this 26th year though, and think "damn. I wasted so much of this on something that ended up not mattering at all"

So, breakups are funny things. Its insane to think about the ones I have been though---especially when I can't even fathom being in a relationship at this point in my life.

When I was runnin through my wall-to-wall conversations, I found something I had written on my friend Stampers wall, back on July 9, 2005. (this would have been during my full-tilt single mode in undergrad) I wrote

"Never commit to or break up with anyone...this way it can never end badly because really it never began or ended"

Funny how cyclical life is.