Late Night Bar Hookup

When you wake up in the morning, after a long night out pounding Jagerbombs and Diet & Vodka (everyone is being health conscious let us not forget), and you start to feel the effects of your sat & sun morning hangover kick in... where would you rather be

a) home. alone. the sheets your forgot to wash, again, all swaddled around you and a stack of bills sitting on your desk. your fridge is likely very empty, which means that you will have to put on some kind of old rags (i.e. basketball shorts, crush shirt from 4 years ago) to go out and hit up some terrible fast food place so you can come home and watch some football.

b) a random girls house. with her. the sheets she forgot to wash, again, all swaddled around both of you and a stack of empty condom wrappers sitting on her desk across the room. Your sweet threads from last night are kinda all over the place...
shirt-balled up on floor
pants-balled up on floor
boxers- somehow lost in her top sheet
and you have to put these on; even in their once worn, now wrinkled condition which will obviously tip its hand to you, taking the 'walk of shame'... and since she lives in a place far from you, you will pass by a lot of different terrible fast food on the way home that you can make your choice from, so you can then go home and watch some football.

Ok, lets be real.

You picked "b" didn't you?

Its fine, we all know you did. Most everyone would, for that matter. Its not really that it is depressing to be smashed out of your mind, and alone; because honestly, once you try to pass out, success is a sure thing. The problem is though, once your mind gets that buzz, and you get that first smell of the pheromones, it tends to become as important to you as that Ninja Turtle for Christmas when you were 8. Its all you want... so much to the point where you will text every person in your phone with a female name (sorry for all the late night texts Ashley-my guy friend) just so you can have someone, nay ANYONE to make out with.

The question I am sure that everyone wants to know the answer to though is, "how do I get to 'b' and away from 'a'?

Well, a lot of that has to deal with how you look that night, and how well you know or don't know the object of your pursuit...

but

most of it comes from the things you say. Some ways to not go home with her, would come from saying things like these greatest hits...

"Have you tried 'lite' beer before?"
"I would love to put my face in the middle of those"
"My dick is like a slim jim, it can get into anything"
"Do you spit, or swallow?"
"What did you say your name was?"
"You want to get a taquito and watch 'The Crying Game'?"
"...and for some reason it burns when i pee.....(trails off)....so do you wanna go back to my place or yours?"
"My face is leaving in 10 minutes, be on it"


Now, unfortunately, we all have a humorous hook up story or 5... but today, i will close with sharing one of mine.

We had been at a bar, i didn't say any of the above statements, and we went back to her place. We made out for a while, on the couch, then went outside for a quick cig. She asked if i wanted another beer, so you know i was like 'hell yeah'... I was suffering through her conversation, about who knows what, when she got a text message on her phone. She looked at me and goes
"my ex boyfriend just texted... that means he will prolly be here in like an hour or so... you wanna go ahead fuck so you can get outta here before he gets here?"

Oh snap! What did I do? Well, thats a choose your own adventure scenario if I have ever heard it, so I am gonna leave it there, just like that.