Once upon a time, actually earlier this year
there lived a small white rabbit, with a cute nose and ears.
He was hopping from field to field, hanging out with his friends
he loved the single rabbit life, wanted it never to end!
He loved chasing tail (cotton i mean)
and with each carrot ate, he picked up more steam!
One hot summer day, he was hopping 'cross the trail
but a strange sight, made him slow his pace like a snail!
Coming up to him, like a bullet from a Lueger
was a dark and seductive, female cougar.
Her voice was raspy, as she started to speak
and strongly of pheromones, did her fur reak.
"Hello little Rabbit, how do you do?"
Peter managed to come out with "Fine how are you?"
You could tell he was nervous! His paws were all sweaty!
His heart started to race and his breathing got heavy!
She circled around him, and stared at her prey,
opened her mouth and then did she say
"Call me a joint, cause i'll let you toke
i can show you things you have never heard spoke.
i'll show you the ways that all of this can work-
then i'll rip out your heart and eat it as dessert."
Peter's eyes got wide, and his mouth got dry.
He didn't know whether to stay, or go run and hide.
She looked right at him, and he felt her eyes stab
So he bolted quickly, like Lindsay Lohan from rehab!
He rushed through the thicket, heart racing so fast
Got to a meadow, and stopped to rest on the grass.
Not too long passed, and he heard a rustling sound...
he perked up his ears and took a look around-
From behind a tree, came slinking out slowly
a strange looking creature, who seemed sad and lonely.
Peter hopped forward, for he was a good little rabbit
and helping others out, had become quite the habit.
As he got closer, the better he could peer
at the strange looking creature, which resembled a deer..
"Are you lost deer?" Peter asked nicely
"Why yes can you help me?" the deer inquired politely.
"Do you need food? Are you alone?"
"I'm just scared, and need to be followed home"
Peter didn't hesitate, in his response at all,
He tried to console the deer by touching its----paw?
"My Miss Deer, your hooves have claws and are black!"
"I can not help it, Jesus made me like that"
Peter walked ahead of her, now cautious slightly
then his bunny ears heard her say lightly...
"Call me a joint, cause i'll let you toke
i can show you things you have never heard spoke.
i'll show you the ways that all of this can work-
then i'll rip out your heart and eat it as dessert."
Peter turned around, (not like Ace of Base said)
"You aren't a deer! You're the Cougar instead!"
The Coug shed her costume, in one single motion
and Peter took off, making all sorts of commotion
from behind him, he heard the cat say
"I'll get you my pretty, by the end of the day!"
Peter hopped far and fast, covered all sorts of ground;
got to a place with all sorts of people around.
He came up to a bar, and saw his friend Bruce-
then quickly noticed, they had 2 dollar (Well) carrot juice.
"I've got a story for you", Peter said while he ordered a glass-
then the two rabbits, proceded to get smashed.
Closing time came, and Peter stumbled out-
the Cougar's threat, he had forgotten all about...
and as he stumbled and hopped through the street
he heard in the distance, a voice sounding sweet.
He perked up his ears, he had heard this before
but this was the first time, he had wanted to hear more-
"Call me a joint, cause i'll let you toke
i can show you things you have never heard spoke.
i'll show you the ways that all of this can work-
then i'll rip out your heart and eat it as dessert."
He went to the Cougar, some 20 yards away
walked right up to her, and started to say
"I know you will kill me, i know you care not
about who i am, or what i have got-
but you are the hottest thing, hath seen this Hare;
and the whole death thing- i'm way too fucked up to care"
And that's the way it happens, or thats the way it goes;
and what happens to the rabbits, i guess no one ever knows...
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Hooters-1 Me-0
You know how every person with a swilla danglin between their legs who has ever stepped foot into a Hooters thinks they have a shot with one of the girls there?? They probably have like a 98 percent chance of being wrong I would say.
I mean, seriously- when eating there its sooooooo funny to just see the guys that roll up there by themselves, eat some terrible food, drink some beers and get a little less inhibited--- have the waitress (with a name usually ending in a Y as in I sound) touchin them on the arm or shoulder, laughing at everything they are saying (even most of the time they aren't listening to them or have no fuckin clue what the guy is talking about) and then at the end of the night throw her a 100% tip.... funny stuff... looooooooves it
I mean, I used to holla at this girl who worked there, so I would watch it all first hand. That lil' boo would take cheese from these guys like she was sampling at a dairy factory then pay for my stuff later that night and take me home. anyway- why all this.. i know i know
I went and watched Kobe rock socks the other night and our waitress was completely cute. She had this great bubbly personality, the whole "i'm working my way through school" story kickin, an incredible body (like seriously, the first time i have seen hooters shorts make someone's booty look good) and I mean- she was a hell of a waitress too. She was bringin us new pitchers as soon as the one she had just given us was half full (optimist until the day i die) and we were like flying through them.
I was smooth as eggs too... she was laughing, we were laughing... then sometime inbetween the 3rd and 4th quarter... it happened
Thats right....
Like usual, and being COMPLETELY typical-------I got smashed.
Well, smashed may be too strong, but definitely to that point where i now thought i had a chance with this girl. So did my two friends who were with me, i would like to point out, but my ego is already ridiculous... Miller Lite and some strategic flirting pushed it over the top Sly Stallone style.
Like I said...I was coy and funny for a while, but when my speech starting getting slurred and muddy, I could only come up with the classic cromagnon pick-up lines like
"You pretty"
or "I money have"
The time came to pay the bill, and i checked the receipt. Through my drunken lenses I saw that she had drawn a smiley faced and written "don't forget to leave your phone number"...
Ohhhhhhhhh snap. So, I ran my card and tipped away... thinking I had gotten a new potential.
The next morning I woke up and saw the receipt laying on my table. I looked at it and to no surprise, but complete buyers remorse, I had tipped 100%. I had just become the guy I made fun of.
"But wait!!!!! I got her number!!!!!!" I scrolled through my phone finding nary a new phone number, and then was hit with another great realization- she asked for my number... which is probably in a clear trash bag in the dumpster behind hooters....she had played me.... she had
played me well.
So, all in all... there were two games that night, and two killer performances. Kobe scored in the high 30s and won---- and Abby beat the shit out of me too. Well done woman. See you in game 2.
I mean, seriously- when eating there its sooooooo funny to just see the guys that roll up there by themselves, eat some terrible food, drink some beers and get a little less inhibited--- have the waitress (with a name usually ending in a Y as in I sound) touchin them on the arm or shoulder, laughing at everything they are saying (even most of the time they aren't listening to them or have no fuckin clue what the guy is talking about) and then at the end of the night throw her a 100% tip.... funny stuff... looooooooves it
I mean, I used to holla at this girl who worked there, so I would watch it all first hand. That lil' boo would take cheese from these guys like she was sampling at a dairy factory then pay for my stuff later that night and take me home. anyway- why all this.. i know i know
I went and watched Kobe rock socks the other night and our waitress was completely cute. She had this great bubbly personality, the whole "i'm working my way through school" story kickin, an incredible body (like seriously, the first time i have seen hooters shorts make someone's booty look good) and I mean- she was a hell of a waitress too. She was bringin us new pitchers as soon as the one she had just given us was half full (optimist until the day i die) and we were like flying through them.
I was smooth as eggs too... she was laughing, we were laughing... then sometime inbetween the 3rd and 4th quarter... it happened
Thats right....
Like usual, and being COMPLETELY typical-------I got smashed.
Well, smashed may be too strong, but definitely to that point where i now thought i had a chance with this girl. So did my two friends who were with me, i would like to point out, but my ego is already ridiculous... Miller Lite and some strategic flirting pushed it over the top Sly Stallone style.
Like I said...I was coy and funny for a while, but when my speech starting getting slurred and muddy, I could only come up with the classic cromagnon pick-up lines like
"You pretty"
or "I money have"
The time came to pay the bill, and i checked the receipt. Through my drunken lenses I saw that she had drawn a smiley faced and written "don't forget to leave your phone number"...
Ohhhhhhhhh snap. So, I ran my card and tipped away... thinking I had gotten a new potential.
The next morning I woke up and saw the receipt laying on my table. I looked at it and to no surprise, but complete buyers remorse, I had tipped 100%. I had just become the guy I made fun of.
"But wait!!!!! I got her number!!!!!!" I scrolled through my phone finding nary a new phone number, and then was hit with another great realization- she asked for my number... which is probably in a clear trash bag in the dumpster behind hooters....she had played me.... she had
played me well.
So, all in all... there were two games that night, and two killer performances. Kobe scored in the high 30s and won---- and Abby beat the shit out of me too. Well done woman. See you in game 2.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Jumpin The Gun
When trying to make some sort of progress that will last more than a few hours, there is not much worse of a thing one could do than coming out of the blocks way too quickly.
A friend of mine was talking to me this afternoon over lunch about how he recently made this mistake and is now with out a clue of a thing to do.
You see, my friend Chris recently met this girl, who he thought was pretty fly and really wanted to take out. After a while of trying, he finally got his wish and had (from what he reported on his very one-sided and bias stance on the review) a date for the ages. They had some killer wine, a great meal, did some fun things- and it was awesome.... the thing is- it didn't stop there.
Chris and her went out past all of this, and continued drinking all of the towns liquor like it was going to cure cancer or something if they finished enough of it. One thing led to another, and they ended up back at his apartment to call it a night.
He didn't get into too many wild details, but the context clues pointed to the aftermath coming down to them getting pretty physical. He told me it was kinda weird the next morning, and he really didn't know what to do about it.
I mean, Chris made some good points even in his silence. You see, its really tough to just hook up with someone when you are getting to know them and then get back on the track you were on that leads to the knowledge of each other on an equal level.
My advice to him was tricky to lend, because:
if he comes on too strong- he seems stalker.
if he doesn't call at all- he is just that asshole hook up.
So, the fine line must be found in order for him to ever share another meal with her.
I first was like- well do things that don't involve alcohol so you two wont get to a place where that could happen again.... then he was like 'well what if she wont come out'
then it hit me.
The way around this all, is to incorporate planned events including other people. Her opinion of him is not only slightly jaded because of him right now- its also (probably much even more so) probably having a lot of glass-is-not-half-full additions because of what SHE thinks HE thinks of her! What a pickle!
The main thing that Chris needs to do, if he wishes to go after her at all, is make sure that he doesnt press for any physicality or intimacy or tender moments for some time to come. This really shouldn't be that big of a deal if he really just wants to get to know her (like he so beat into the ground). Who knows what will come of it... i am sure when I find out if my advice worked though- you will be the first i boast it to.
toodles~
A friend of mine was talking to me this afternoon over lunch about how he recently made this mistake and is now with out a clue of a thing to do.
You see, my friend Chris recently met this girl, who he thought was pretty fly and really wanted to take out. After a while of trying, he finally got his wish and had (from what he reported on his very one-sided and bias stance on the review) a date for the ages. They had some killer wine, a great meal, did some fun things- and it was awesome.... the thing is- it didn't stop there.
Chris and her went out past all of this, and continued drinking all of the towns liquor like it was going to cure cancer or something if they finished enough of it. One thing led to another, and they ended up back at his apartment to call it a night.
He didn't get into too many wild details, but the context clues pointed to the aftermath coming down to them getting pretty physical. He told me it was kinda weird the next morning, and he really didn't know what to do about it.
I mean, Chris made some good points even in his silence. You see, its really tough to just hook up with someone when you are getting to know them and then get back on the track you were on that leads to the knowledge of each other on an equal level.
My advice to him was tricky to lend, because:
if he comes on too strong- he seems stalker.
if he doesn't call at all- he is just that asshole hook up.
So, the fine line must be found in order for him to ever share another meal with her.
I first was like- well do things that don't involve alcohol so you two wont get to a place where that could happen again.... then he was like 'well what if she wont come out'
then it hit me.
The way around this all, is to incorporate planned events including other people. Her opinion of him is not only slightly jaded because of him right now- its also (probably much even more so) probably having a lot of glass-is-not-half-full additions because of what SHE thinks HE thinks of her! What a pickle!
The main thing that Chris needs to do, if he wishes to go after her at all, is make sure that he doesnt press for any physicality or intimacy or tender moments for some time to come. This really shouldn't be that big of a deal if he really just wants to get to know her (like he so beat into the ground). Who knows what will come of it... i am sure when I find out if my advice worked though- you will be the first i boast it to.
toodles~
Monday, June 9, 2008
An Idea For Our Dying Economy
So, it seems our economy is in need of a boost.
I have long been told the more money people are spending, the more money people are making. Money changing hands is better for our country than it just sitting in a bank somewhere... or at least thats what a $$$1900 class told me (i wonder if that was a good economical move)
So anyway, I woke up the other morning, extremely hungover on my couch, and directly in front of me was the drum set for the video game rock band.
I looked around the rest of the room and saw the guitar, the mic, and a whole lot of cardboard that had "ROCK BAND" plastered all over it.
"DAMNIT!!!! I GOT DRUNK AND WENT TO WAL MART AGAIN!"
Well, it got me to thinking about all of the superfluous purchases I have made when intoxicated. Its like money means nothing. 'Hey you, person I have never met- let me buy you a drink' 'Hey Mr. Street Vendor selling heart attacks on a stick, I'll take two', 'Hey bartendress that just gave me one drink, let me tip you 100%' --------- you get the point.
ANYWAY, so if it is this way for me- I figure it has to be this way for a lot of people. So, I say listen up Greenspan---here is the greatest idea ever....
Let's give all of America BOOZE and leave more stores open past 2. I mean, I don't want to encourage drunk driving- but drunk SHOPPING is a completely different thing. I mean, how many video games do you think are actually bought between the hours of 1am-4am sober anyway? Those folks are either tossed to the side or shit-ass-high. I would actually wager to guess that 1/3rd of my DVD's were purchased under the influence.
So there it is... still give the tickets for DWI's, but when you catch someone SWI- hand them another mind eraser and mention how fuckin cool that plasma would look hanging on their wall. Get some whiskey bitches, its time to shop!
I have long been told the more money people are spending, the more money people are making. Money changing hands is better for our country than it just sitting in a bank somewhere... or at least thats what a $$$1900 class told me (i wonder if that was a good economical move)
So anyway, I woke up the other morning, extremely hungover on my couch, and directly in front of me was the drum set for the video game rock band.
I looked around the rest of the room and saw the guitar, the mic, and a whole lot of cardboard that had "ROCK BAND" plastered all over it.
"DAMNIT!!!! I GOT DRUNK AND WENT TO WAL MART AGAIN!"
Well, it got me to thinking about all of the superfluous purchases I have made when intoxicated. Its like money means nothing. 'Hey you, person I have never met- let me buy you a drink' 'Hey Mr. Street Vendor selling heart attacks on a stick, I'll take two', 'Hey bartendress that just gave me one drink, let me tip you 100%' --------- you get the point.
ANYWAY, so if it is this way for me- I figure it has to be this way for a lot of people. So, I say listen up Greenspan---here is the greatest idea ever....
Let's give all of America BOOZE and leave more stores open past 2. I mean, I don't want to encourage drunk driving- but drunk SHOPPING is a completely different thing. I mean, how many video games do you think are actually bought between the hours of 1am-4am sober anyway? Those folks are either tossed to the side or shit-ass-high. I would actually wager to guess that 1/3rd of my DVD's were purchased under the influence.
So there it is... still give the tickets for DWI's, but when you catch someone SWI- hand them another mind eraser and mention how fuckin cool that plasma would look hanging on their wall. Get some whiskey bitches, its time to shop!
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Is She Into You?
So, you are dying to know if she is or is not right? You have hung out some, maybe been on a couple dates... who knows- but still the question is hot on your mind and heavy on your tongue... so here they are the top 10 ways to know if she is into you in "that" way
1) Calm Touching ~~~~~ does she touch you when you are talking? Does she touch your forearm when you make her laugh? Does she come up behind you in a public setting and touch your back or hand? If so- thats 1...
2) Laughing ~~~~~ I think I am pretty funny.... but seriously, I am not THAT funny. You are not either. When she is laughing at everything you are saying; even stuff like "that reminds me of a Saved by the Bell episode!" thats a sign... that is 2
3) Appearance Changes ~~~~~ so, you keep your hair short, and got your hair cut. You see her the next day and she says something about your newish shorter locks... maybe you shaved off that skeezey goatee... she notices; guess what... sign #3
4) Texting ~~~~~ does she send you texts for nary a reason? she keep in touch with you multiple times daily? you get the idea...
5) Gifting ~~~~~ has she bought you a small gift for no apparent reason? Why would she do that? What's that? The 'thing' made her think of you? More like she was thinking about you and looking for an excuse to tell you...
6) Your clothes ~~~~~ does she have one of your shirts that she wears around? hmmmm...
7) Fellatio ~~~~~~ does she go down on you a lot? Most girls don't like to do this... this might be a positive sign for you
8) "you're the best" ~~~~~ does she scream out phrases like such when the two of you are sleeping together after she made the move? Odds are, it is far from the truth. I don't care who you think you are. She is just trying to let you in on the fact she may kinda dig you. Yeah, go ahead and pull her hair if she asks...
9) Shrine ~~~~~ does she have an altar of sorts in her bedroom with 20-100 pictures of you that were taken with out your knowledge? Are there locks of your hair and fingernail trimmings that have been shaped into a doll of sorts? Are there at least 15 lit candles at all times around said display? Is there a dummy's guide to voodoo and love potions sitting beside the altar? You might be onto something here... not definite, but almost
10) Baby Pictures ~~~~~ notice pictures of babies around her apartment that look like she has photoshopped together? They look like they were made from a combination of yours and her baby pictures? Did your mom call and tell you that someone broke in their house and all they took was your baby pictures and the bottle that had your baby teeth in it?
Ok.... there they are. top 10. if this is going on, you are in son!
1) Calm Touching ~~~~~ does she touch you when you are talking? Does she touch your forearm when you make her laugh? Does she come up behind you in a public setting and touch your back or hand? If so- thats 1...
2) Laughing ~~~~~ I think I am pretty funny.... but seriously, I am not THAT funny. You are not either. When she is laughing at everything you are saying; even stuff like "that reminds me of a Saved by the Bell episode!" thats a sign... that is 2
3) Appearance Changes ~~~~~ so, you keep your hair short, and got your hair cut. You see her the next day and she says something about your newish shorter locks... maybe you shaved off that skeezey goatee... she notices; guess what... sign #3
4) Texting ~~~~~ does she send you texts for nary a reason? she keep in touch with you multiple times daily? you get the idea...
5) Gifting ~~~~~ has she bought you a small gift for no apparent reason? Why would she do that? What's that? The 'thing' made her think of you? More like she was thinking about you and looking for an excuse to tell you...
6) Your clothes ~~~~~ does she have one of your shirts that she wears around? hmmmm...
7) Fellatio ~~~~~~ does she go down on you a lot? Most girls don't like to do this... this might be a positive sign for you
8) "you're the best" ~~~~~ does she scream out phrases like such when the two of you are sleeping together after she made the move? Odds are, it is far from the truth. I don't care who you think you are. She is just trying to let you in on the fact she may kinda dig you. Yeah, go ahead and pull her hair if she asks...
9) Shrine ~~~~~ does she have an altar of sorts in her bedroom with 20-100 pictures of you that were taken with out your knowledge? Are there locks of your hair and fingernail trimmings that have been shaped into a doll of sorts? Are there at least 15 lit candles at all times around said display? Is there a dummy's guide to voodoo and love potions sitting beside the altar? You might be onto something here... not definite, but almost
10) Baby Pictures ~~~~~ notice pictures of babies around her apartment that look like she has photoshopped together? They look like they were made from a combination of yours and her baby pictures? Did your mom call and tell you that someone broke in their house and all they took was your baby pictures and the bottle that had your baby teeth in it?
Ok.... there they are. top 10. if this is going on, you are in son!
Monday, June 2, 2008
Without Soul
I know what you are thinking...
No.
I am not referring to someone who can not play the blues.
I got told the other day, by this female i know, that I have no soul.
I have never dated her. I have never kissed her. I have never held her hand. I have never dated a friend of hers. I have never even dated or hooked up with someone that she actually knows well enough to talk about it.
Yet, she has often accused your boi here of being 'dirty' or a 'man whore'.
It often makes me laugh to hear such nonsense... because I think ones 'whoreness' depends on the quality of a said hook-up, which brings me to an interesting subject---- what makes a man whore.
Some would say its like algebra. Guy A has slept with X amount of girls whom of which Y were skanks and P were not all the while dating T of them { X=(X-P) - (X-T)- Y}, where as some would just tell you that its if a guy has lots of sex with different chicks period...
I think I like the first option. A guy becomes a man whore depending on how frequent he goes guttering. What is guttering? Its when you go after a 'gutter slut' or really trashy easy girl, more than likely crawling with std's and someone you would never admit to another that you actually slept with.
However, girls are kinda judgers right? I know that some of my 'partners' have commented on some of my past girlfriends or partners saying things like 'oh, shes hot' and in turn, probably made me more attractive (remember, grass is greener on the other side, but the grass on your side is greenest when someone else wants it)
Kind of disjointed thus far, but here goes my hypothesis. If you have slept with 20 girls, but they were all really really attractive, to the point where number 21 thinks that they were all hot enough that she almost feels like she is probably not as attractive as them, then you are not a whore. You are 'desireable'. But, if you slept with 20 girls and 15 of them are just dogs, then you are a man whore, who just blind-squirrel-acorned himself into some good places a couple times.
Of course, if 15 of them are dogs, you are probably telling number 21 that you have only slept with 7 or 8 girls. She probably cut her number in half too. Oh the lies. Oh the humanity! Maybe the fact I can see this and said something about it points a finger in my direction--- hmmmm... if that was the case, then maybe that girl would be right about soul or lack there of. This is confusing even me now. where's that milky whiskey?!?
keep your mind out of the gutter folks.
cd
No.
I am not referring to someone who can not play the blues.
I got told the other day, by this female i know, that I have no soul.
I have never dated her. I have never kissed her. I have never held her hand. I have never dated a friend of hers. I have never even dated or hooked up with someone that she actually knows well enough to talk about it.
Yet, she has often accused your boi here of being 'dirty' or a 'man whore'.
It often makes me laugh to hear such nonsense... because I think ones 'whoreness' depends on the quality of a said hook-up, which brings me to an interesting subject---- what makes a man whore.
Some would say its like algebra. Guy A has slept with X amount of girls whom of which Y were skanks and P were not all the while dating T of them { X=(X-P) - (X-T)- Y}, where as some would just tell you that its if a guy has lots of sex with different chicks period...
I think I like the first option. A guy becomes a man whore depending on how frequent he goes guttering. What is guttering? Its when you go after a 'gutter slut' or really trashy easy girl, more than likely crawling with std's and someone you would never admit to another that you actually slept with.
However, girls are kinda judgers right? I know that some of my 'partners' have commented on some of my past girlfriends or partners saying things like 'oh, shes hot' and in turn, probably made me more attractive (remember, grass is greener on the other side, but the grass on your side is greenest when someone else wants it)
Kind of disjointed thus far, but here goes my hypothesis. If you have slept with 20 girls, but they were all really really attractive, to the point where number 21 thinks that they were all hot enough that she almost feels like she is probably not as attractive as them, then you are not a whore. You are 'desireable'. But, if you slept with 20 girls and 15 of them are just dogs, then you are a man whore, who just blind-squirrel-acorned himself into some good places a couple times.
Of course, if 15 of them are dogs, you are probably telling number 21 that you have only slept with 7 or 8 girls. She probably cut her number in half too. Oh the lies. Oh the humanity! Maybe the fact I can see this and said something about it points a finger in my direction--- hmmmm... if that was the case, then maybe that girl would be right about soul or lack there of. This is confusing even me now. where's that milky whiskey?!?
keep your mind out of the gutter folks.
cd
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